A few weeks ago I was spending some time in South Mumbai,
doing a little sightseeing. Toward the late afternoon, I had visited a
well-known art gallery, and was sitting on the steps of this gallery looking
through my guide book for a good place to eat. An Indian guy came up to me and
started making some conversation. I should say that this guy looked really
crazy. He had one crazy eye that didn't really look in your direction, long
grey hair, a huge, thick grey soul patch, a very large mole on his cheek, and
in general was small and wiry. First thing, he introduced himself as Terrence O’Daniel,
which was quite unexpected for a middle-aged Indian dude. He asked me where I
was from, and I said the United States. He pressed further, and I said Los
Angeles. He asked what I was doing in Mumbai, where I was staying, etc… He told
me about his brother who lived in Los Angeles, apparently working for the U.S.
government as a software programmer who programmed drones for unmanned attacks.
He also spent a while complaining that his brother doesn't send any money home.
Whatever, it might be true, it might not.
In all, we
had a very pleasant, 20 minute conversation outside of this art gallery. After
being initially suspicious, I thought this guy just wanted to talk and have ‘cross-cultural
experience’. Then after about 20 minutes he came out with it: he said “I can
give you a great tour of Mumbai”. I said no thank you, and that I was fine
exploring on my own a bit. Then he got serious, and went into this whole thing
about how other tour guides just view Americans as “bags of money”, and that
they are just after our wallets. But he, Terrence O’Daniel, was different. Speaking
very intensely, he said he didn't just view me as a “walking bag of dollars”,
but that he wanted to show me the real Mumbai. He said that he didn’t even care
about money, that his parents were very rich industrialists in Chennai. He then
opened his backpack and pulled out a worn notebook. He said that other tourists
had written testimonials about him and the tour he gave. I flipped through it,
and there were maybe 6 entries, all written in the same handwriting. He said
that he had 18 more of these notebooks, but had lost them all when he was
drunk.
I had
trouble believing him. Besides which, I didn’t want to pay some dude to show me
around. I don’t have the money for a tour guide, and I was fine looking around
on my own. I said no thank you, but that I appreciate the offer and it was a
pleasure talking to him, and stuck out my hand to shake is. He looked at my
hand, and then me, and with an utterly disgusted expression on his face said “You
know what I say to people who don’t take my tour? Fuck you! People who don’t
take my tour end up being bastards, so go fuck yourself!” Jeez. I said okay,
and left.
I had met a
couple cool Scottish guys at the hostel where I was staying, and we had made
plans to meet up for dinner that night. So I met them, and told them this weird
story of this crazy guy who tried to get me to take his tour, and cursed me out
when I refused. The next day, I went to do my sightseeing they went to do
theirs, and we had decided to meet up again for dinner drinks that night. When
I met up with them, they said they had a story for me. They were at this same
art gallery that I had visited, and this crazy looking guy came up to them
asking if they wanted a tour. He asked where they were from, where they were
staying, made them read the bullshit testimonials in the worn notebook, etc…
They refused, and said they are going to meet a friend for dinner. He pressed
them. “Friends, what friends?” he asked, “you’re tourists”. They said they had
met an American guy at the hostel. Then crazy guy asked “Persian guy, bald with
a mustache?” They said yes, and he says “I don’t think you should hang out with
that guy. He’s a bastard, and I think he’s gay too”. After all that, this guy
was so pissed off that I didn’t take his tour that he started spreading all
kinds of rumors about me. Ridiculous.
***
Story number two is much briefer.
It is just a great example of how pushy salesmen can be in Mumbai. Walking down
the street, you can barely look at an item without the seller telling you how
much it is, and asking if you want to buy it. If you look for too long, the
sellers might even follow you down the street, telling you they’ll give you a
great price. They’ll keep lowering the price in the hopes that you’ll buy it. I’ve
had to reiterate so many times that I actually really didn’t want an item
before the seller stopped hassling me about it. Or, for example, every day, I
walk down the same street from my apartment to the train station in the
morning, and take the same street back at night. And every day, twice a day, 6
days a week, this same guys asks me “Jeans? You want to buy Jeans”. In his
accent it actually sounds more like “jins”. I used to say no, but now I just
walk by without saying anything. But he still asks me every time as I pass by, “Jins?
You want jins?”
Anyway, one
day a couple weeks ago, I was walking down the street in South Mumbai just
minding my own business. All of a sudden, this guys that is walking the
opposite direction says to me that I have something on my ear. I wipe my ear,
and ask if I got it. He says no, so I wipe my ear again and ask if it’s gone.
Keep in mind this guy is a complete stranger that I just happened to be passing
by on the street. Out of nowhere, this guy says “I’ll get it for you”, and
comes closer to me and grabs my ear. He then pulls out one of those thin metal
rods that doctors use to get ear wax out from your ear canal, and shoves it in
my ear canal. He takes out a bit of ear wax and says “I clean your ear for you,
good price!” I’m shocked. I can hardly believe this guy just had the balls to
do that. I say no, absolutely not. Fuck no. He says “don’t worry, I give you
good price”. I get angry. I said hell no, I don’t want some stranger sticking a
metal stick into my ear on the fucking street. He then says “Okay, you don’t
have to pay if you don’t like”. And again, I had to get kind of angry to get this
guy to leave me alone. After getting pissed off, this guy finally leaves.
People sell their wares like theirs no tomorrow. As soon as they peg you as a
foreigner, some folks will do almost anything to give you a tour, sell you a
drum, or even clean your ear. I guess in a city of 20 million people, sometimes
you have to be aggressive to make a living.
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